Published: Monday, October 19, 2009 Updated: Monday, October 19, 2009
Welcome to The Muse, where you can come when you’re not sure what exactly you want out of your newspaper reading experience. Each week, I’ll deliver something off the wall/unexpected/totally bonkers up for your reading pleasure, and you can then write me scathing letters about how I’m contributing to the death of serious journalism.
There’s a word that’s been kicked around the Whitworth campus for the last few semesters; a word for which there is no certain definition, but from which springs the secrets for a long, fulfilling life. Or so everyone is led to believe.
What is this word you ask? Sustainability. Has a ring to it, no?
Last year, some surveys went around campus to find out what students wanted the university to improve upon. One of the options on that survey was to “increase sustainability” (or some such shenanigans). I really had little concept of what any of the options would do for me as a student of Whitworth, but sustainability had a way of rolling off the tongue that made it feel important, so I shrugged and said “more of that would be nice, sure.”
I now regret this decision, as it has willfully stabbed me in the back. Honestly, I still have no idea what sustainability means. I’ve been told it’s something along the lines of “saving money” or “rescuing puppies,” but I find that a little hard to believe when I check my bank account and find neither extra cash nor grateful dachshunds waiting there to greet me.
I’m growing suspicious that it’s just another one of those nebulous political words that people in charge like to put into press releases in order to make their nefarious plans sound all nice and fuzzy, such as in this secret recording I stumbled upon:
“So I’m confused. Why are we giving Barack Obama the Nobel Prize, again?”
“Uh... tolerance... or perhaps sustainability... one of those words that nobody understands.”
“Brilliant!”
So, based on this and mountains of other evidence that I have lying around my huge office, we can safely assume that sustainability doesn’t actually have a real definition. Rather, it’s a word the authorities use whenever they want to take something away from us for no good reason. Like plates in the cafeteria that aren’t smaller than my hand. Or the Whitworth tree. Or my roommate’s bike. It’s all part of the same evil scheme.
However, I am nothing if not a party member, so I’ll hop onto this bandwagon with a few helpful suggestions.
In the interest of genuine sustainability, I posit that Sodexo should take real measures toward making this campus a place that will last well into the millennial kingdom. They should tackle problems such as ice–is ice really a sustainable resource? How long do you think the polar caps will last with all this ice cube mining? There are so many alternatives, like chilled plastic or frozen chunks of potatoes.
And then there’s longboards, a horrendously unsustainable resource if ever there was one. Anyone who’s owned a longboard knows that they only work as long as A) they aren’t broken, and B) they have wheels. Is that really realistic? I propose that Whitworth form a committee to explore the possibility of bringing Segways to campus to supplement and eventually replace the endangered longboards. Anyone’s who’s seen “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” knows that Segways are the absolute icing on the cake, and that they’re highly diverse. Er... sustainable. Yes, sustainable. That’s the word.
I hope that I’ve demonstrated to everyone that you don’t have to understand a word, concept, or issue to get behind it with all your heart. If we all band together, we, the ignorant masses, can help make our collegiate homeland a better place to subsist for many, many years to come. (Yes we can!)
me no comprende...
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